Five Ways to Build Confidence and Happiness

Our culture seems to be ridden with negativity from the media, old parental messages, or even advertising that tells us we are not smart, happy, or fast enough. Many outdated ideas or dramas we own from the past can derail us from the positive thought track and send us into fits of negativity, attracting more unwanted circumstances.  How can we quickly change our energy around to build more confidence and happiness?

Recognize non-empowering thoughts

Mainstream thought is often negative and focuses on problems.  If we believe everything put in front of us, we are not exercising the creative power of our own mind.  Shift away from negative, self-defeating thoughts by being aware.  Here are a few classic non-empowering thoughts you may recognize:  “I’m not beautiful.  I’m poor but good.  I can’t be happy.  Life is hard.  The world is a terrible place. I will probably fail. Things will never get any better. I’ll never make any money.”  Awareness of what we are thinking is the first step, so learn to listen to your words, whether mental or spoken. 

Set a new mental equivalent

What we think, and how we set our mental equivalent on any given day, sets the tone for what the universe will provide for us.  If we want success, prosperity, better relationships, more self-confidence or love, then that’s where our mind needs to be – not once in awhile but all the time. Substitute the disasters on the morning news with a sense of positive expectation.  Rise out of negativity by thinking great thoughts about everyone.  See yourself as a success and that you’ve come to the planet with a gift.  Practice verbal harmlessness (no swearing!) and auspicious speech. Release your fears about being a worthy individual.  It is impossible for you to be a “nobody!”  Switch on the positive thought channel the minute you arise each day and consciously invite abundance and opportunity into your daily experience.

Know that thoughts create reality

In today’s merge of mysticism, psychology, religion, and science, western thinking is moving away from proof.  Thoughts do create reality, whether hard data exists or not. Logical positivism had its field day and our culture is beginning to embrace the power of the mind at the intuitive and spiritual level.

A positive mental attitude is the belief that one can increase achievement through optimistic thought processes. It comes from observational learning in the environment and is partially achieved when a vision of good natured change in the mind is applied toward people, circumstances, events, or behaviors (Wikipedia).  Since it is difficult to quantify the effects of a positive mental attitude, it can be considered a philosophy and a way to approach life. Positive thinking is a discipline that trains the human mind to change a perceived reality by repeatedly making positive mental statements.

To turn negative self-talk around, notice where you automatically shift to negative expectation.  This was discussed in the movie “What The Bleep Do We Know.”  Our neuro networks become ingrained in patterns that make us search for a chemical “hit” in our interpretation of reality.  In a nutshell, when we continue to stay in negative thought process that dos not serve our higher purpose we are destined to keep repeating the same life experiences over and over again because we will never view reality differently.  Our lives never improve and living with joy will seem unattainable because we are generating more of what we don’t want.

Negative thoughts have a physical effect on our bodies

Our thoughts, memories, and emotions are not only part of our mental programming, but have a physiological effect on our bodies.  Scientists have determined we hard-wire our own brains by our associative memory: our associations with people, events, times, places, and things.  We assign emotions to the memories recorded in complex strings of nerve cells wired together.  The strings become networks of information we can access automatically at any time.

Connections between our nerve cells are strengthened when repeatedly stimulated in a process called “long term potentiation.”  Through associative learning, our brains are not only programmed by ordinary experiences but by extreme circumstances.  Trauma actually changes the structure and function of the brain and may create an automatic response to a stimulus in the form of anxiety or fear.

The good news is that we do rely upon many automatic programs to function.  Neural networks give us a wonderful opportunity to shift into “cruise control.”  We don’t have to think about brushing our teeth or making every keystroke when typing, we just do.  We’ve established the network by repetition so we don’t have to think about every moment in life with excessive detail.

Thoughts affect our bodies, especially any thoughts that have become patterns that don’t serve us well.  For example, putting yourself down is based upon old information and not the powerful, present moment.  Old experiences like despair, low self-esteem, and self-pity are emotions that give us a chemical boost of neuropeptides, which guide our perception of our current day choices.

Cancel old thoughts and substitute powerful ideas

Want to feel better and stop negative self-talk?  Prune your old negative programming and take charge of your current circumstances.  Positive thought strings create new systems in the brain, producing new chemistry associated with new emotional changes.  Translation: break your “put down” habit neuron-by-neuron and learn to react differently to life! The next time you catch yourself in a put-down, say out loud, “I cancel that” and instantly substitute a new and powerful thought about you.

It’s vital to remember your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and physicality are intertwined.  Negative self-talk down can make you feel unmotivated and physically ill.  Move your mind to a new way of being!  It’s a healthy habit you can cultivate.  Here are 5 quick ways to shift to the positive self-talk channel:

1.  Check your state of mind.  Choose your own attitude and emotions, not another person’s outlook on life.  Focus your intentions in the present moment.  Because we have a choice, life originates in the mind first.  As within, so without.  Be consciously aware of what you want to create and claim it as your unique mantra.

2. Focus on today.  Step away from old memories, past relationships, and hurts.  Attend to the present.  Find joy in what you bring to the world.  Take a deep breath, stay centered, and remind yourself your presence is a gift!

3. See the big picture.  In the universal equation, today is but a blink in time.  Move through difficult moments with ease and grace because you are not stuck there permanently… you are going “through it!”  You can do this without depleting your energy reserves by making a commitment to doing so.  Remember, life goes all too quickly.  Make each day count and quit wasting your energy on negative thoughts, unproductive thinking, and who said what to whom 10 years ago.

4. Release negative expectation.  Focus on what YOU can do to contribute to a better world and not what others expect you to do. Pace yourself.  As you practice positive expectation, you’ll find that better circumstances will be attracted to you naturally.  Have faith in the process!

5. Be thankful.  There is no better way to change your energy then to turn up the volume on thankfulness.  If you are thankful for what makes you happy, by the Law of Attraction, the universe will provide you with MORE to be thankful for.  Be generous with gratitude to those in your life who care, to your Higher Power, and to yourself for being an individual spark of Divine Power.  Your natural state is unlimited abundance, so be thankful for all you are and your journey.

Experiencing success through a positive mental attitude begins when we retire certain negative perceptions and break the addiction of old emotional states.  It’s a choice and requires persistent effort!  So let go of self-criticism and move forward when a challenge arises. Change your thought process to include more thoughts of gratitude, unconditional love, self-appreciation, freedom, and joy.  It’s the foundation of a new and better reality.

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2008.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

Whether negotiating a huge vendor contract, writing books, organizing volunteers, or making dinner for our families, women have always expressed their higher self in the form of service to the people they love.  In a nutshell, that is what “soul work” really means - to create something of value from the deep space within and flavor it with a unique talent. It’s about exploring your limits and maybe bringing the bottom line along for the ride.

However, achieving personal growth through work means being consciously aware of serving a cause without losing yourself in the process. How do you continue to remain positive in the workplace? Here are four important reminders that will help you feel good about what you do:

Work with a Loving and Generous Heart.  It’s good for the soul

Spiritual teachers spanning across many mystical traditions already noted our biggest work challenge.  It is to demonstrate our authentic self in our work - no matter if we’re at home with five kids or running a Fortune 500 corporation. In terms of specific tasks, have good intentions for your organization and the people involved.  If you cook with love, the person who eats that meal energetically receives the benefit of your positive attitude and thoughts.  I think that applies to any form of work!

As a form of self-expression, work allows us to re-create ourselves as a form of living art because we are the channel for the Divine.  Although that concept might be difficult to digest when we are pulling a sales call after being up all night with a crying baby, know this:  when we achieve conscious awareness of what we do well, we are instruments of a higher power.  We can change the world into exactly what we see fit – a vision crafted from the best of our emotions such as love, healing, forgiveness, compassion, and faith.  We can educate someone, lend a hand, or teach self-sufficiency in any number of venues.  Or simply create a beautiful object.   No matter our job, as long as we are aware of our power to do it with loving-kindness, we are contributing to the formation of the world and the values of those who will follow after us. Never underestimate the benefit of any form of work that is done with a generous spirit.

Remember your Source.  Know your true C.E.O.

No matter our wisdom tradition, when we take a moment to remember our spirit and pull light into ourselves, we experience a connection with divinity. Often, it is our individual awakening to service and the human condition.  God or Goddess… there are a thousand names and flavors by which we summon our inherent power. Power is a choice.  We don’t fall into it by accident, nor is it given by a secret society where only a few key members are invited.  We are born empowered, as we all are individual sparks of divinity.  The only difference is everyone is in different stages of awakening.

When we consciously co-create our reality with this spiritual partnership, we inevitably inspire others to open their hearts as wide as possible to the energetic fusion called “embodied spirit.”  Yep, hopefully you got the memo - we are not the body.  We are eternal, energetic, infinite, empowered beings, with all the tools from the get-go.  Our career objective? We are here to remember it all over again in a physical setting.  It’s soul development school from the minute we arrive until our last day.  We’re supposed to spread the light! So, when the going gets tough at the office, look at the bigger picture.  Know who really does your employment reviews and what you are really here to do.

Appreciate your unique specialty

Be thankful for what you bring to the world - whether it is creating jobs for others, sharing visual beauty, enhancing communication, or helping others move from crisis and poverty to self-sufficiency.  Whatever your work, know that the world needs your voice.  You matter, because you are an expression of a higher power. Your soul work is needed in the world, no matter the pay scale.  Celebrate your calling and march proudly, wherever you spend your day.

Have a Cause
 
Career success has paved the way for women to champion today’s most exciting causes.   Women now constitute 46.6% of the U.S. labor force and hold 50% of managerial and professional specialty positions.  Consequently, they are beginning to hold a great deal of purchasing power, especially in business ($1.5 trillion). Women purchase 83% of all products and services - a huge market force.  Success and control over the checkbook has translated into a new form of independence called strategic philanthropy.  

Whether at the office or at home, this collective spending power has an interesting effect on creating new pathways to peace and healing.  Women have developed a strong voice and a big resource base to address causes that matter specifically to the female gender, such as sponsoring a sister overseas, helping homeless mothers, or creating specialty rooms for sick children.  They’re translating their soul work in diverse ways and shaping the world with hands using feminine values that make sense.

Remember, doing our soul work moves us beyond our careers.  We can participate in a collective spiritual partnership spanning the globe.  At that empowering moment, we are taking a turn being Divine, by celebrating our path in exactly the way we see fit. Think from the heart and make certain your work is evolving into a personal truth. May you bloom and grow today, no matter where you work, and always be filled with the brightest light imaginable!

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts on corporate soul! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

Make no mistake about it, change is challenging whether it is conscious or unexpected.  Viewing adversity as change, not loss or failure, is part of empowered and positive thinking.  Humans develop resiliency through change, both physiologically, and emotionally.  It’s necessary for all life forms to evolve.

Change Your Outlook on Change

Change comes though many vehicles – some hit us hard, others are rather sneaky.  But despite the challenges change brings, we know it is our natural state.  It’s inevitable – the world grows and we grow with it fueled by our emotions.  We are already designed to cry, express sorrow, frustration, anger, resentment, even give up for awhile – and most of us choose to explore these feelings. But we are also designed to have hope, recover, be stronger, and inspire others as a result of change.  You are never, never alone because emotions give us plenty in common - as a society, we are not yet Vulcans.
 
What makes one person triumphantly survive loss and turn it into positive energy, while another in similar circumstances resign?  And how do we change our outlook on change?  It has to do with our underlying assumptions on change.  I have two very dear friends; each had a double mastectomy from breast cancer.  Losing body parts is devastating, not to mention living with the daily uncertainty of not knowing whether you continue to remain in remission.  Yet one woman has forged ahead as a life-force warrior, focusing on triumphs and wins of today.  She doesn’t look back.  The other has difficulty moving forward – not engaging in work outside her home, quitting her job, waiting for “something” to happen while in a state of self-imposed limbo.   They’ve processed their information in completely different ways.  Why?

Change Your Assumptions on Predictability

It’s because people want certainty before they decide to accept change.  It’s a natural reaction.  Certainly our culture has become more comfortable with making choices that have predictable outcomes.  A current cultural disease we suffer from is predictability, reflected in our inability to accept change at a deeply personal level.  It applies across the board to choices we make with our finances, careers, or our relationships. 

Science, especially when applied to health issues, has given us a false security blanket when it comes to certainty. After all, it seems we’ve been able to control nature. We like to think we’ve cornered the market on predictability and good planning, when the truth is we live in a time where prediction is more intuition and common sense than science.  To embrace change, we need to release the umbilical cord we think we have to outcomes of certainty.  In other words, stepping off of the plateau requires a huge amount of trust.  Your fall will be broken somewhere at the right time. Believing that is what allows us to cope.  It is the first step, unsupported by any scientific doctrine.  And it’s a big one.
 
No matter what science pronounces, whether it is in the form of a diagnosis, prognosis, or the state of the environment, there is no sure thing.   Science has already given us permission to accept truth with a margin of error in just about anything.  There is always the possibility something may exist, or not exist, despite what patterns indicate.  Truly, it is a useless endeavor to let science, or proof for that matter, hold you back from moving forward.

Whether it is health, or other issues surrounding job loss, divorce, or death, you will successfully navigate through change and elevate the quality of your life by knowing anyone can beat the odds.  There is evidence everywhere, not just from Christopher Reeves, Mattie Stepanak, or those whose stories you find in People magazine, but from the dry cleaner, your third cousin, your own child.  Almost everyone you know has a story of beating the odds.  Let’s pay attention to the real evidence instead of looking for ways to prove that we can’t make it or the odds are just too great.

Adopt Big Picture Thinking

Adopting a new attitude on adversity requires big picture thinking on the subject of change.  View life, and spiritual development for that matter, as an upward spiral where you experience some of the same lessons over and over again.  Is it because we just aren’t getting what the lesson is telling us?  Perhaps, but that’s not the only reason.  We’ve deliberately put those circumstances in our chart in frequent doses to allow ourselves an opportunity to see how we’ve been progressing on the upward part of that growth spiral. 

Adversity is an inescapable performance indicator – a frequent reminder of our upcoming 360-degree review in how we handle the bumps.  We are meant to be a stronger, more insightful person each time we get walloped.  With each business obstacle, make a stronger commitment toward your goal of service to humanity; each time you grieve, become better at comforting others and showing compassion; after each funeral, return home knowing life is a precious gift.

Affirm Your Ability to be Versatile

With all setbacks, it drives the point home on the one true certainty in life and that is we must use our time wisely to make conscious change in the world. Change is designed to get outside of ourselves and become conscious of our place within a community of souls.  Without change, there is no transformation. Change is good, making us stir the self-development pot a little faster! Let’s affirm together:

“Today I commit to a new path.  I am filled with excitement and anticipation of a new adventure.  Those in my immediate future are already welcoming me as a positive addition to their team.  Divine guidance has found the best situation for me so that my light can shine brightly. I am versatile, refreshing, and my very presence transforms the world.”

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts on Resiliency and Change! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

As my new book arrived hot off the press, and our brigade of employees and volunteers hoisted cartons from the freight truck and up the stairs of The Goddess Network offices, my throat tightened.  Watching the cartons pile to the ceiling, I realized when we get ready to speak our truth, whether its politics or passing wisdom on to our children, often our first response is to hold back.  After all, words are powerful.  Once you’ve released that energy to the greater community there’s no turning back. 

If your cause is primarily about love, then you have become a channel for Spirit and are engaged in the process of demonstrating your own evolution… in front of the world.  Your voice becomes your mirror.  And suddenly, through the act of working, your growth commences. The student becomes the teacher, which is you.  And there’s no hiding.

Be Confident!  Your Voice is Needed in the World

When you believe it’s time to share the wisdom of your own life experience, shed hesitation, then open your mind and heart to release the truth that is within.  Let the nervous butterflies fly free into the wind.  It’s time to share what you’ve learned!

Many women tell me that by the time they are 40, they are busting out of their skins.  They want to quit their jobs and start something new.  They’ve outgrown old roles and past expectations and search for work that resonates more with who they are.  They are ready to explore life from a fresh perspective. Isn’t that often when we get a calling to higher ground?

Just like the women who write to me, I’ve experienced this urge.  Five years ago I was sitting in my parked car, and realized I was consulting on projects and writing material that did not allow me to deeply express my soul. The university environment, and my current corporate industry, was still very male-dominated.  I could not find and develop my voice. I decided I had enough of that, having grown up in a strict, patriarchal family environment.  I needed to be heard, feel my female roots. I was finished with feeling lost.

We All Have a Calling

I recalled all the books I read over the years on the Goddess and thought about why I felt empowered and positive whenever I communed with Her.  She was the balance I needed. At that moment, I also realized the need to integrate a fully spiritual perspective in my work.  Not just good values and behaviors, and all the other elements that make an organization click, but the very essence of the Divine Mother.  To allow the Goddess to come through me to help other women feel powerful and good and to know they can create anything they want in life. To understand the feminine principle as part of a collective image of creation.

Just then, I knew I could live a life with purpose when I identified with both a Mother and Father God, not just follow the rules culture, language, and religions based upon “He.” When we balance these two concepts, we are fully recognizing God within ourselves in the form of our intellect and emotion. We can then move forward into a new sense of appreciation of female, and the part of ourselves that is the spark of the Divine. After all, if we are a part of the Divine, and made in the image of our creators, then why can’t we include feminine images of God?

You are Your God-Self

The day I unpacked my newly published books, I took a deep breath and thought, “Who am I?”  I AM my own wonderful person, embracing the Divine Feminine wholeheartedly with self-love, in my own unique way.  I’m a worthy woman and an ambassador for Mother God.  I gave birth to The Goddess Network these past several years, had some wonderful ideas, raised two great kids, and engaged in a host of other creative projects. Life is good.  I’m over 40 and enjoy, at last, speaking my mind.  I AM a wondrous aspect of creation and an individual spark of Divine power.  And that feels good!

No matter what truth you speak, as long as it comes from the heart, it is valuable in our collective consciousness and communities.  Get out there, be courageous, and bring the world your theories, stories, what you believe, and what you know for sure.  I’ll be doing the same in all the books I write.  I think we will both find that our passion is what puts the fuel under our seats, bringing us a sense of completion as well as opportunities for new beginnings!

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

With the turn of a new year, most of us are interested in achieving new goals, especially in creating more harmony and abundance. Many people are on the look-out for negative thinking and want to process life differently.  When we start taking inventory, it’s amazing how often we keep wounds open from situations that no longer matter. Memories and resentments such as old hurts left over from parents and institutions, guilt and unforgiveness, and old mental programming all translate into heartache and become the foundation for self-generating negative and unproductive states of living.  How can we alter our course to reset our thinking to the self-empowerment zone, which translates into achievement and success?

Develop conscious awareness

To feel productive and balanced, we can develop conscious awareness of those thought patterns that prevent us from expressing our gifts. With a little self-discipline, we can begin to reveal our divine selves, letting our light blast forth with no inhibitions and no agenda beyond the simple purpose of evolving our souls with as much zest as possible. When that happens, life suddenly moves from struggle to joy.

Choose a positive attitude

Every day we have an opportunity to choose our attitude and focus our intentions in the present moment. Because of this choice, our own personal lives and all that we see in the world originate within the mind. Our physical experience is our 360-degree review on how we think. Negative thoughts and old patterns of thinking prevent us from offering the world our special talents and doing the work we love, which can be anything from managing a home or a family to running a Fortune 500 company.

Having the discipline to choose our thoughts is also a challenge, especially when old baggage gets in the way. Put simply, our job is to fully participate in life but be consciously aware of what we want to create. Then we can look at the results and make adjustments. This is what it’s like to have an empowered life. And to do this, we must first know that life is a cooperative arrangement between us and a divine presence we call God. We’re all in it together, thinking certain thoughts and making choices that eventually become reality: a real-life reflection of our own thoughts.

Rely upon your inner power and the present moment

To realize this power with strength and self-confidence, we must also recognize that this strength lives within each and every one of us today. It is that spark of divine energy that constitutes our unique and beautiful selves. So the strength to achieve a goal comes from making choices based in the present moment, not as a reaction to events, relationships, or experiences from long ago that no longer matter. Deciding to live in the present is the key to an empowered life. And when we honor the Divine within us, no matter our wisdom tradition, we no longer wait for life to begin; we jump-start it all on our own.

Remember, life is an exercise in making positive change in the most arduous circumstances. The power to create reality lies within us. By claiming responsibility for what we create, we in turn are allowed to grow and self-develop. There is no failure, only a greater opportunity to put your Divine light to work. Take charge of your thinking!  That includes taking charge of your destiny and ending the self-blame for past experiences that no longer have any bearing upon what you can accomplish today.

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

Positive thinking is a discipline that trains the human mind to change a perceived reality by repeatedly making positive mental statements. A person practices positive thinking when they derive a positive sense of well being, optimism, belonging, meaning and/or purpose from being part of and contributing back to something larger and more permanent than themselves. Positive thinking is a process of choosing positive emotions from stimuli in the environment and applying them to perceptions and beliefs.  The objective is to create an outlook that translates into a new or better chosen reality.

Positive Mental Attitudes

A positive mental attitude is the belief that one can increase achievement through optimistic thought processes.  A positive attitude comes from observational learning in the environment and is partially achieved when a vision of good natured change in the mind is applied toward people, circumstances, events, or behaviors (Wikipedia). Since it is difficult to quantify (measure) the effects of a positive mental attitude, it can be considered a philosophy and a way to approach life.

The Secret to Positive Thinking
  
Creating reality by how one chooses to think about life, health, relationships, and finances was the subject of the hit movie “The Secret.” Current self-help gurus discussed the Law of Attraction and other principles congruent with positive thinking.  Building a positive mindset that attracted better circumstances in one’s life involved: (1) alignment to a clear vision of what is desired, (2) an attitude of thankfulness, (3) having positive emotions associated with the desire, and (4) releasing that desire to a greater power.   

The experts in “The Secret” emphasized an individual’s responsibility to create and institute positive mental programming and present moment awareness to release emotional drivers that cloud a person’s ability to have a productive life.  Regret, shame, and blame and a negative outlook on life focused on past circumstances can also be fundamental cause of physical disease in adults. Similarly, physical healing can be obtained creating a self-made vision.  Demonstrating a healthy life with positive outcomes involves setting an intention, consciously creating a mental attitude of positive expectation, and conditioning the mind to accept navigate through grief, loss, anger with ease or choosing to eliminate those mental attitudes altogether.

Create Positive Thoughts by Using Affirmations

The technique of writing and repeating affirmations has been said to institute a positive mental attitude resulting in measurable change.  An affirmation is a positive, present day statement that assumes what one declares is real and present.  The more an affirmation is practiced, the mind has a greater the level of acceptance of that thought. Positive thinking experts, such as Louise Hay, Michael Beckwith, James Arthur Ray, Catherine Ponder, Norman Vincent Peale, Napoleon Hill, and John Randolph Price advocated the use of affirmations to both reprogram the brain by repetition and maintaining present moment centeredness. The desired result is to manifest new and positive circumstances.

Since an affirmation declares one’s state of mind and expectation, it acknowledges to the mind and body a present-day reality.  An example of an affirmation is the following: “I am filled with wonder and I now manifest prosperity and abundance in every aspect of my life. I use the creative genius of the universe in all I do. I am successful, healthy, and live life well. This day I have the power to change myself.” 

Affirmations are a spiritual idea, and non-quantitative.  They are based upon “as within, so without, as above so below” which is an idea, or universal presented in many religious works, including the Bible.  If thought attracts, or resonates, with like energies, than any individual practicing positive thinking can eventually see results externally in the form of a better job, more loving relationships, or even satisfying experiences.

For a more complete definition on positive thinking, see The Evolution of Positive Thinking: Views from Science, Spirituality, Psychology and Hollywood by Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.

Surviving a family get-together may seem insurmountable, especially when considering the complex history that goes along with relationships, marriages, divorces, births, and other family happenstance.  Making any family gathering a positive experience takes mental discipline and effort in managing our emotions until they can run smoothly on automatic. Here’s how to walk away feeling positive from holidays, weddings, and Sunday dinners:

Know your flash points

Before you agree to host, or be a guest, know the three biggest flash points that can set off an unexpected tirade of old emotional baggage and unpleasant memories.  Entertaining, and being the host, is the number one stressor that can set off unpleasant family issues.  Compounded with already full schedules, we feel obligated to be perfect hosts for our families who might not even appreciate our efforts.  Your home is your energy sphere.  When you believe your hospitality is a demonstration of who you are, you have nothing to prove or hide.  Release anxiety and worry about inviting critical family members over by knowing your presence, and contribution, are gifts to those around you.

Unrealistic expectations are another common flash point.  When we carry outdated mental and emotional baggage from the past, life events, circumstances, and old relationships from long ago, we also bring a set of expectations along for the ride.  Sometimes, no matter what family members do, they may always seem ungrateful.  Stay centered!  Even though you may not receive thanks from anyone, you are stronger for being generous.  Give with a happy heart and focus on releasing resentment from the past.  Your true thanks are manifested in other ways not readily seen. Nobody liked your gift?  Thank yourself for being the amazing person you are…and cross that grump of your list for next year!

Being the maverick of the family, or the one who has always walked off the beaten path, can make you overly sensitive at family get-togethers.  When we choose a different life than our parents, are not liked by other established family members, or are the new kid on the block that doesn’t fit the mold, we feel ostracized and go through the motions, often with a bad attitude.  Remember, others perceive you the way you perceive yourself.  Love your unique space and stop making apologies.  Be kind to everyone. Know you fit beautifully in this world and are valuable to everyone on the planet – including your family! When you believe you fit perfectly into a space that has been designed exclusively for you, you’ll no longer accept any stigma or negative labels others may place upon you.

Check your state of mind

Each day we have an opportunity to choose our attitude and focus our intentions on the present moment.  Because of this choice, our own personal lives, and all we observe in the world, originate within the mind.  Living without stress first originates within the mind! As within, so without.  As above, so below.  It’s easy.  Begin by being consciously aware of what you want to create, even if grouchy Grandpa seems to set the tone for the gathering or Cousin Martha comes for dinner… and complains about everything!

Focus on today

Our families provide some of the most challenging circumstances we will ever experience.  Since family dynamics make us intimate with a situation, it is difficult to separate the past from the present.  Find joy in what others bring to the table, even if Aunt Edna doesn’t like the menu.  Take a deep breath, stay centered, and keep moving forward!

See the big picture often

Use affirmations to get your positive thinking on course.  Affirm: “In the universal perspective, today is but a blink in time.  Therefore, I move gracefully through these moments with ease.  I offer others my heart without depleting my energy reserves.” Other people’s unhappiness is not all about you!

When in doubt, tune out

For difficult in-laws, I have found these two affirmations to be particularly helpful:

“From this day forward, I focus on what is important and not what others expect me to do.  I am capable of using my tune-out button when a negative situation arises.  I am centered, whole, and happy, and I celebrate life well!”

“From this day forward, I choose to never compromise my beautiful soul for the sake of fitting into a program.  I ask for divine assistance in bringing my light in positive ways to this family.  I am a whole and complete individual and am comfortable in my uniqueness.  I love myself and lovingly express who I am, knowing my presence is a gift to everyone in this family.”

Check your old family baggage at the door, stay in the present moment, and never compromise yourself.  Positive thinking means “being centered” in who you are!  And ride the bumps with good humor. Use your time well, rely upon your Source, and have patience!

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts on life-balance! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

Living in a continual state of thankfulness is so important when managing life’s complexity. Isn’t it easy to get lost in the details of everyday living?  In-between thanking our Source for all the perks in life, remember that true thankfulness is gratitude for life’s learning opportunities and for Spirit being present to get the lesson to sink in. But sometimes it’s tough to rise knowing that each circumstance we encounter is meant to keep us learning on our soul journey.  What can we do to increase our level of thankfulness, even when we are shaking off the last disappointment and want to move forward quickly?

Get Back to Basics

Everyone needs to widen their perspective on what to be thankful for.  Being thankful extends beyond the thanking we do at holiday dinners or for material possessions, job security or life accomplishments, which is easy.  A thankful state of heart and mind pertains to the continual acknowledgement that, in each and every instance when you experience something much less than ideal, the experience is for your greater good.  In doing so, you are relying upon your higher power, and strengthening your connection to Divine love. 

Change Your Energy Around Quickly

Let’s practice!  If you get temporarily down, let the universe know you acknowledge goodness because life provides us with exactly with what we continue to acknowledge. Say: 

I am grateful for this opportunity to learn more about my capabilities

I thank the universe for showing me this situation, so I can be more compassionate toward others

My difficulties today allow me to cultivate wisdom.  I am a wise soul!

I love being and not just doing.  My life is filled with gratitude and grace for this path I walk.

I am so happy and grateful that I have _____________ (come on, you fill in the blank!)

I am thankful for who I am because _________________ (name one thing you do well)

Slow Down and Have Perspective

In today’s world, we’ve taken “multi-tasking to new heights by attempting to be all things to all people.  We are living in a bullet-pointed society – we don’t have time for depth, long novels, and 25 page documents.  We need it in 3 minute sound bites. The next time you are consciously aware of operating in a “hyper-speed moment,” stop and breathe. If you’ve experienced a challenge less than optimal, remind yourself that all is well.  All is not lost.  The truth is nothing is lost in the mind of God.  And move your dial immediately to the gratitude channel.  When you are resonating with things you are thankful for, you are producing a vibrational quality where like attracts like.  The universe, in all its infinite wisdom will simply respond by giving you more of what you are thankful for.

Affirm Regularly

It’s important to recognize that you are capable and strong enough to handle your challenges. You are unlimited, Divine substance with the genius of the universe as your parent.  Remind yourself of that power often.  Let’s affirm together:

“I become stronger because of the challenges I face.  I am thankful for the opportunity to show others how to rise above everyday problems.  Each moment I am focused by spirit to do the work I was meant to do.  My heart is full of love and support of others who help me overcome.  I AM infinite wisdom.  I am capable, intelligent, strong and am thankful for what I can offer the world!”

Learn to love life.  Be in love with life at an intimate level.  Be a lover of life.  Anytime we acknowledge that life is good, we are entering a state of gratitude. Today, begin to live in a state of thanks for being alive and having the chance to improve the lives of others through your words and actions!

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts on gratitude! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

What parent doesn’t occasionally agonize over the challenges that teenagers bring to a family environment? Because of raging hormones and their brain development (I hear that because their frontal lobes are not fully-developed, this accounts for the lack of empathy) there are days where we long for the sweet little dearies who formerly loved family vacations.  You know the worst has happened when you shift from thinking that you’ll skate through the typical teenage years you hear that EVERYONE is having but not you (e.g., “My son/daughter will never turn into an evil teen!!  We’re so close!”) to hiding out in the upstairs bathroom with your own television.  Suddenly, you discover a frequent reminiscing about the days where you seemed to be the smartest parent in the world. 

In my teenage son’s eyes, in less than a year I went from an intelligent, savvy, and socially-competent parent to some sort of import from an alien galaxy where only fumbling fools were allowed to live.  My job: never talk to him or his friends at a school function for fear of embarrassment (his) and concern for my future (“Mom you ruined my life!  Don’t ever talk to my friends again, it’s soooo embarrassing!) 

Lately, I will admit my fantasies alternate between running away to a spiritual retreat for mothers of teenage boys and seeking revenge by sneaking into their room at night and lopping off the hair that they are convinced looks cooler than Bono.  The retreat scenario involves me stumbling into a new guru who can teach me how to muster the patience to endure them both until they leave for college, where of course they realize that nobody is going to do their laundry and consequently have an epiphany about my contribution to their life. In this fantasy, I become little grasshopper, completely centered in the eternal moment of now, and return home enhanced with boatloads of techniques guaranteed to establish my place in the world again.  Being a positive thinker, I am convinced it can happen if I keep practicing the Law of Attraction.

Bringing balance into a household with teenagers can be challenging and there is no manual or prep course for the daily angst. So, take comfort right now.  You have to ride it out.  Teenager’s needs are so very different from little kids.  However, while cultivating (and encouraging!) their independence, they still need a lot of behind the scenes guidance in order to become good decision makers.

I believe the best way to survive these years is to show them, no matter what their convoluted perception is of you and the world, that you are loved by others.  (Yep, my oldest has actually outlined his career goals.  He’s going to be a C.I.A. agent and sell antiquities on the side. And never get married.)  Because they can’t generate that much love on their own at this point in time, it’s a plus to show them that you are not yet capable of turning Vulcan.  Other people do exist that love and appreciate you.  My theory is that soon they will ask these people for advice (because they won’t ask you for any) and maybe your friends and work colleagues can slide in a few bonus complements about you. 

Ah well, maybe that is fantasy number three emerging.

The best thing we can do, if you are commiserating with the energy these words are carrying, is to continue to show them you are competent and empowered.  Also, show them you can set a goal and be dedicated to reach it no matter your circumstances. In addition to keeping your sense of humor, here are four tips on raising teens. Thus far, I hope this advice is working in my own home (you can check back with me in about 3 years):

• Pick your battles. Teens are supposed to push the envelope.  Let them, with well defined rules and consequences and don’t worry so much about who seems to be winning the argument. Work hard to speak logically.  Less is more. When you disagree, spend more time listening before delivering the final blow (No, you can’t come to London with us in October for a weekend, you’re supposed to be studying at college! No, you can’t publish my personal email in your EBay business! No, you can’t sell the living room furniture on EBay!)

• Respect their privacy.  It tugs on your heartstrings when they don’t spill everything right away.  Give them their space, and let them know you are available when they need you, not when you need them.  The most precious and productive time is when it is on their terms, not yours.  Take advantage of the times they drop a transportation bomb on you when you just sat down to vegetate in front of the tube after running errands all day. (“All my friends are going to the movies, can I please go too?”) Use car time to share something important.  Chances are, they will spill their guts because they feel they owe you a favor (of course, they will never admit it.)

• Grow with them.  As they mature, you have to relate on new terms. And give yourself permission to make mistakes as they make theirs.  It’s part of life! All perfectionists please note this phrase: Little kids, little problems. Big kids, bigger problems. As their strife gets larger, so will your patience and capacity to love. It’s all part of the journey. And it won’t resemble anything like your average sitcom.

• Make your home a sanctuary.   Your home needs to be a loving, forgiving place where everyone feels safe. They’ll bring their friends – and you’ll always know where the party is. And never underestimate the power of food.  Have a full frig and let their friends feel comfortable helping themselves. Time spent gathered in the kitchen around any meal is an ancient invitation to share something.  Chances are, those will be among your greatest opportunities to pass on parental wisdom, cleverly disguised, of course. 

Today’s parents have an amazing level of responsibility. Do your best to get everyone on the same page.  The family unit needs to work together so teens understand that parents have goals too.  Yes, you do have a gift to give the world outside the home. If you are fortunate to have a partner, show your teenagers what a good partnership entails. I believe it’s possible for everyone in a family to reach personal and professional satisfaction – no matter what planet we’re from.

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts for women! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

How often have you sent out a proposal, done something for another person, been through a terrible relationship and proclaimed, “Oh, that’s the absolute last time.  I will never go through that again.” The truth is, if you live a long life, you will see those same challenges cropping up over and over.  The difference lies in the way you navigate though those challenges, still keeping your resiliency factor high.  Starting over just gives you a chance to do it better.
 
We’re always starting over, in one form or another – trying something different, a new job, new relationship, new formula for success, new idea to launch into the world, a new philosophy to keep our children on a good track. Unconsciously, we are hitting the refresh button on our screen every day – several times a day, if you really think about it.  Learning to be resilient is about refreshing your outlook and staying in present moment awareness.  It’s about balancing complexity and embracing life’s contrast with open arms, while celebrating all the glorious aspects of life. A tall order?  Well, nobody said it would be easy. You’ve signed on for the big rollercoaster ride.  There is no light without a little bit of darkness – it’s a package deal!

We’re All in the Same Boat

The human condition is not yet excused from grief, loss, death, failure, divorce, ill health, difficult relationships, or adversity of any sort.  We have not yet established a collective mental equivalent for a world without such ideas.  But in the interim, our resiliency can be strengthened by knowing each day begins anew.  Having greater resiliency opens space for positive change and put us on the evolutionary path toward living life with greater, positive expectations.

When we experience loss, in the form of another person leaving, it is absolutely necessary to move through the pain, experience it, grieve, get angry, perhaps resign, in order to move forward.  But pain takes you to a step where you will be in a position to accept comfort – allowing someone else a chance to do their soul work. Pain does lead to peace if we put moving forward at the top of the agenda.  Moving forward through loss and grief is a lesson in using empty space for love, not more loss.  Find the strength to crack open that space inside you, no matter how painful.  Continue exchanging with others and fight the urge to isolate yourself. You will be amazed at what resides within.

We Can Develop More Compassion When Experiencing Grief

Many times we are overlooked for comfort.  Being isolated during periods where we need comfort more than ever – and not necessarily by choice – is difficult to accept.  When my father-in-law died unexpectedly a few years ago, I experienced my own grief as well as empathically experiencing the grief of family and friends. I expected to have my own grief recognized – after all, isn’t that a part of the grieving and healing process?  However, during the funeral activities and subsequent encounters I had with church clergy and many members of the community, the offer of compassion was only directed toward my husband.  Many, many times, over the course of months, I stood beside my husband, whose hand was grasped, his grief acknowledged, while I stood there unrecognized.  I wondered, “Are my own feelings of loss not appropriate?  Or is my function here to just keep facilitating the process for everyone else while my own grief would be more of a burden on those around me?” 

This added even more hurtful heaviness to my plate, but in the end I became stronger and more perceptive.  I had to learn how to ask for what I needed and realized I wasn’t going to get it unless I asked.  When a close friend was killed in a car accident the following spring, I readily asked for comfort while giving it at the same time.  Providing loving support to her grieving family, and my own, seemed easier while I allowed my own grief to run its course. I healed, and healed others, while I grieved.  I fully participated in the process of being in grief while comforting others, and accepted comfort readily from everyone I knew.  I imposed no limitations for healing, from myself or from others, because I learned how to accept and give simultaneously. I was an open channel for grief - accepting, and giving comfort all at once. 

Do Not Be Afraid of Grief

I learned my grief lessons well that year, considering I attended funerals for four other people and gave emotional support to many others whose loved ones had crossed over.  It was a far cry from what I had ever experienced previously.  The universe does have a way of driving a point home. Remember, comfort equals both input and output, sometimes in a synchronized process leading to healing. Don’t be afraid. Use these types of lessons well when it is your time.  It expands your heart and puts you in touch with the whole of humanity.
 
Give and Receive Comfort Regularly

Overall, I think we do not receive enough instruction in the subject of comfort when we know starting over is the only option, either for ourselves or for others.  Know that comfort is a two-way street.  Offer comfort in large doses and practice giving it.  Acknowledge a person’s loss, but when it’s your turn to be on the receiving end, be willing to accept comfort and ask for more when needed. Here is how you can reach out to others:

• Practice comforting.  Sometimes it is difficult to offer the highest vision of ourselves in the form of comfort as some people are fearful of sharing your loss.  I suppose the older we get, we just get better at consoling others.  But never distance yourself from those who are experiencing adversity, never ever.  You must learn that reaching out is part of our soul story too. 

• Keep on giving.  Offer everyone comfort, in the best way you know how, for all types of adverse circumstances.  Keep calling, send notes, bring dinner, give more hugs.  Your resiliency factor will become astounding.  And when you are told, “Things will never be all right again” by those you’ve assured it will be all right, you’ve still done a good job.  You’ve just grown the size of your heart ten-fold.

• Hold a positive vision for someone else.  Because our thoughts are powerful, you have the ability to visualize a positive outcome for just about anything. Use your energy to hold that person, family, or situation in the healing light of the Divine.  In your own mind, become a channel for healing for that individual by sending help their way.

Above all, know that we are expected to see life’s contrast.  Adversity is just part of the program – no matter how challenging, we are designed to triumphantly overcome any obstacle we may encounter.

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!