What parent doesn’t occasionally agonize over the challenges that teenagers bring to a family environment? Because of raging hormones and their brain development (I hear that because their frontal lobes are not fully-developed, this accounts for the lack of empathy) there are days where we long for the sweet little dearies who formerly loved family vacations.  You know the worst has happened when you shift from thinking that you’ll skate through the typical teenage years you hear that EVERYONE is having but not you (e.g., “My son/daughter will never turn into an evil teen!!  We’re so close!”) to hiding out in the upstairs bathroom with your own television.  Suddenly, you discover a frequent reminiscing about the days where you seemed to be the smartest parent in the world. 

In my teenage son’s eyes, in less than a year I went from an intelligent, savvy, and socially-competent parent to some sort of import from an alien galaxy where only fumbling fools were allowed to live.  My job: never talk to him or his friends at a school function for fear of embarrassment (his) and concern for my future (“Mom you ruined my life!  Don’t ever talk to my friends again, it’s soooo embarrassing!) 

Lately, I will admit my fantasies alternate between running away to a spiritual retreat for mothers of teenage boys and seeking revenge by sneaking into their room at night and lopping off the hair that they are convinced looks cooler than Bono.  The retreat scenario involves me stumbling into a new guru who can teach me how to muster the patience to endure them both until they leave for college, where of course they realize that nobody is going to do their laundry and consequently have an epiphany about my contribution to their life. In this fantasy, I become little grasshopper, completely centered in the eternal moment of now, and return home enhanced with boatloads of techniques guaranteed to establish my place in the world again.  Being a positive thinker, I am convinced it can happen if I keep practicing the Law of Attraction.

Bringing balance into a household with teenagers can be challenging and there is no manual or prep course for the daily angst. So, take comfort right now.  You have to ride it out.  Teenager’s needs are so very different from little kids.  However, while cultivating (and encouraging!) their independence, they still need a lot of behind the scenes guidance in order to become good decision makers.

I believe the best way to survive these years is to show them, no matter what their convoluted perception is of you and the world, that you are loved by others.  (Yep, my oldest has actually outlined his career goals.  He’s going to be a C.I.A. agent and sell antiquities on the side. And never get married.)  Because they can’t generate that much love on their own at this point in time, it’s a plus to show them that you are not yet capable of turning Vulcan.  Other people do exist that love and appreciate you.  My theory is that soon they will ask these people for advice (because they won’t ask you for any) and maybe your friends and work colleagues can slide in a few bonus complements about you. 

Ah well, maybe that is fantasy number three emerging.

The best thing we can do, if you are commiserating with the energy these words are carrying, is to continue to show them you are competent and empowered.  Also, show them you can set a goal and be dedicated to reach it no matter your circumstances. In addition to keeping your sense of humor, here are four tips on raising teens. Thus far, I hope this advice is working in my own home (you can check back with me in about 3 years):

• Pick your battles. Teens are supposed to push the envelope.  Let them, with well defined rules and consequences and don’t worry so much about who seems to be winning the argument. Work hard to speak logically.  Less is more. When you disagree, spend more time listening before delivering the final blow (No, you can’t come to London with us in October for a weekend, you’re supposed to be studying at college! No, you can’t publish my personal email in your EBay business! No, you can’t sell the living room furniture on EBay!)

• Respect their privacy.  It tugs on your heartstrings when they don’t spill everything right away.  Give them their space, and let them know you are available when they need you, not when you need them.  The most precious and productive time is when it is on their terms, not yours.  Take advantage of the times they drop a transportation bomb on you when you just sat down to vegetate in front of the tube after running errands all day. (“All my friends are going to the movies, can I please go too?”) Use car time to share something important.  Chances are, they will spill their guts because they feel they owe you a favor (of course, they will never admit it.)

• Grow with them.  As they mature, you have to relate on new terms. And give yourself permission to make mistakes as they make theirs.  It’s part of life! All perfectionists please note this phrase: Little kids, little problems. Big kids, bigger problems. As their strife gets larger, so will your patience and capacity to love. It’s all part of the journey. And it won’t resemble anything like your average sitcom.

• Make your home a sanctuary.   Your home needs to be a loving, forgiving place where everyone feels safe. They’ll bring their friends – and you’ll always know where the party is. And never underestimate the power of food.  Have a full frig and let their friends feel comfortable helping themselves. Time spent gathered in the kitchen around any meal is an ancient invitation to share something.  Chances are, those will be among your greatest opportunities to pass on parental wisdom, cleverly disguised, of course. 

Today’s parents have an amazing level of responsibility. Do your best to get everyone on the same page.  The family unit needs to work together so teens understand that parents have goals too.  Yes, you do have a gift to give the world outside the home. If you are fortunate to have a partner, show your teenagers what a good partnership entails. I believe it’s possible for everyone in a family to reach personal and professional satisfaction – no matter what planet we’re from.

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts for women! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!

How often have you sent out a proposal, done something for another person, been through a terrible relationship and proclaimed, “Oh, that’s the absolute last time.  I will never go through that again.” The truth is, if you live a long life, you will see those same challenges cropping up over and over.  The difference lies in the way you navigate though those challenges, still keeping your resiliency factor high.  Starting over just gives you a chance to do it better.
 
We’re always starting over, in one form or another – trying something different, a new job, new relationship, new formula for success, new idea to launch into the world, a new philosophy to keep our children on a good track. Unconsciously, we are hitting the refresh button on our screen every day – several times a day, if you really think about it.  Learning to be resilient is about refreshing your outlook and staying in present moment awareness.  It’s about balancing complexity and embracing life’s contrast with open arms, while celebrating all the glorious aspects of life. A tall order?  Well, nobody said it would be easy. You’ve signed on for the big rollercoaster ride.  There is no light without a little bit of darkness – it’s a package deal!

We’re All in the Same Boat

The human condition is not yet excused from grief, loss, death, failure, divorce, ill health, difficult relationships, or adversity of any sort.  We have not yet established a collective mental equivalent for a world without such ideas.  But in the interim, our resiliency can be strengthened by knowing each day begins anew.  Having greater resiliency opens space for positive change and put us on the evolutionary path toward living life with greater, positive expectations.

When we experience loss, in the form of another person leaving, it is absolutely necessary to move through the pain, experience it, grieve, get angry, perhaps resign, in order to move forward.  But pain takes you to a step where you will be in a position to accept comfort – allowing someone else a chance to do their soul work. Pain does lead to peace if we put moving forward at the top of the agenda.  Moving forward through loss and grief is a lesson in using empty space for love, not more loss.  Find the strength to crack open that space inside you, no matter how painful.  Continue exchanging with others and fight the urge to isolate yourself. You will be amazed at what resides within.

We Can Develop More Compassion When Experiencing Grief

Many times we are overlooked for comfort.  Being isolated during periods where we need comfort more than ever – and not necessarily by choice – is difficult to accept.  When my father-in-law died unexpectedly a few years ago, I experienced my own grief as well as empathically experiencing the grief of family and friends. I expected to have my own grief recognized – after all, isn’t that a part of the grieving and healing process?  However, during the funeral activities and subsequent encounters I had with church clergy and many members of the community, the offer of compassion was only directed toward my husband.  Many, many times, over the course of months, I stood beside my husband, whose hand was grasped, his grief acknowledged, while I stood there unrecognized.  I wondered, “Are my own feelings of loss not appropriate?  Or is my function here to just keep facilitating the process for everyone else while my own grief would be more of a burden on those around me?” 

This added even more hurtful heaviness to my plate, but in the end I became stronger and more perceptive.  I had to learn how to ask for what I needed and realized I wasn’t going to get it unless I asked.  When a close friend was killed in a car accident the following spring, I readily asked for comfort while giving it at the same time.  Providing loving support to her grieving family, and my own, seemed easier while I allowed my own grief to run its course. I healed, and healed others, while I grieved.  I fully participated in the process of being in grief while comforting others, and accepted comfort readily from everyone I knew.  I imposed no limitations for healing, from myself or from others, because I learned how to accept and give simultaneously. I was an open channel for grief - accepting, and giving comfort all at once. 

Do Not Be Afraid of Grief

I learned my grief lessons well that year, considering I attended funerals for four other people and gave emotional support to many others whose loved ones had crossed over.  It was a far cry from what I had ever experienced previously.  The universe does have a way of driving a point home. Remember, comfort equals both input and output, sometimes in a synchronized process leading to healing. Don’t be afraid. Use these types of lessons well when it is your time.  It expands your heart and puts you in touch with the whole of humanity.
 
Give and Receive Comfort Regularly

Overall, I think we do not receive enough instruction in the subject of comfort when we know starting over is the only option, either for ourselves or for others.  Know that comfort is a two-way street.  Offer comfort in large doses and practice giving it.  Acknowledge a person’s loss, but when it’s your turn to be on the receiving end, be willing to accept comfort and ask for more when needed. Here is how you can reach out to others:

• Practice comforting.  Sometimes it is difficult to offer the highest vision of ourselves in the form of comfort as some people are fearful of sharing your loss.  I suppose the older we get, we just get better at consoling others.  But never distance yourself from those who are experiencing adversity, never ever.  You must learn that reaching out is part of our soul story too. 

• Keep on giving.  Offer everyone comfort, in the best way you know how, for all types of adverse circumstances.  Keep calling, send notes, bring dinner, give more hugs.  Your resiliency factor will become astounding.  And when you are told, “Things will never be all right again” by those you’ve assured it will be all right, you’ve still done a good job.  You’ve just grown the size of your heart ten-fold.

• Hold a positive vision for someone else.  Because our thoughts are powerful, you have the ability to visualize a positive outcome for just about anything. Use your energy to hold that person, family, or situation in the healing light of the Divine.  In your own mind, become a channel for healing for that individual by sending help their way.

Above all, know that we are expected to see life’s contrast.  Adversity is just part of the program – no matter how challenging, we are designed to triumphantly overcome any obstacle we may encounter.

© The Goddess Network, Inc. and Charlene M. Proctor, Ph.D.  2007.  All Rights Reserved.  See http://www.thegoddessnetwork.com/connect.php?page=eshow for more empowering thoughts! Register for The E-Show, a series of enlightening lectures!